Lucas: Maybe House isn’t so bad after all.
Cuddy: [talking to Rachel] That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Dr. House: They didn’t break up. She just wanted me to think that so I’d back off.
Dr. Wilson: Dare I ask what you’re gonna do?
Dr. House: Nothing. I said they’d either break up or they’d stay together. They didn’t break up.
Dr. Wilson: And you’re okay with that?
Dr. House: It is what it is.
Dr. Wilson: Good for you.

Dr. House: Dr. Cuddy. Can we at least be civil?
Dr. Cuddy: How’s your nose?
Dr. House: It’s okay. Does your kid like animals? I got tickets to that holiday carnival. I hear they have a nice petting zoo.
Dr. Cuddy: I think I was pretty clear before.
Dr. House: I don’t mean with me. Here. Take ‘em. Enjoy.
Dr. Cuddy: No, thanks.
Dr. House: They’re not fake. I didn’t steal them. One of the nurses was selling ‘em for her kid’s scout trip. I know it doesn’t make things right between us, but I just wanted to do something nice.
Dr. Cuddy: I don’t want them.
Dr. House: Ok.
Dr. Cuddy: I’ll see you tomorrow.

Dr. Taub: Home early. [shows his wife the photo he took of House]
Rachel Taub: What happened to him? You beat up House?
Dr. Taub: Just one right hook.
Rachel Taub: Why? What happened?
Dr. Taub: You were right. I told him we need to lay down some ground rules, got a little heated.
Rachel Taub: That’s not what I meant. Is he okay? Are you gonna be fired? Arrested?
Dr. Taub: Everything’s fine.
Rachel Taub: Wow.

Dr. Taub: Einstein’s giving himself a lobotomy, and you’re cool with that?
Dr. House: Ignorance is bliss.
Dr. Taub: Hold that pose [takes a photograph of House] I’ll start with t-shirts and mugs, and see how it goes.

Dr. Chase: I can outrun you. Sorry about the nose. And the eye. And the eyebrow.
Dr. House: Guess I deserved it.
Dr. Chase: Well, if thought that, I wouldn’t be apologizing.
Dr. House: Your fist slipped?
Dr. Chase: Everybody kept bugging me, asking if I was okay.
Dr. House: So you busted my nose to keep people off your back.
Dr. Chase: Pretty much.
Dr. House: Making people even more worried about you.
Dr. Chase: Maybe. But at least they’re not talking to me about it.
Dr. House: Fair enough.
Dr. Chase: Cheers.

Dr. Human Shield Taub.

Dr. Cuddy: You’re gonna be pressing charges?
Dr. House: Against the ottoman I tripped over?
Dr. Cuddy: Against chase.
Dr. House: I’m pretty sure the ottoman was acting alone. You free for dinner this weekend?
Dr. Cuddy: At least three other people saw him do it.
Dr. House: Mass hysteria. Either night?
Dr. Cuddy: I can’t have doctors punching each other out.
Dr. House: Oh, my God, who got punched?
Dr. Cuddy: And more importantly, for Chase’s sake, I need to know if he’s able to handle himself or if I should be getting him some help.
Dr. House: Chase couldn’t have punched anyone, he was with me when I tripped over the ottoman. If you’re not planning on eating this weekend, maybe a movie?
Dr. Cuddy: I’m not doing this, House. It’s not fun anymore. Just do your job.

Dr. House: What about you? Got any predictable drivel you’d like to add?
Dr. Chase: I think they’ve given you enough already.
Dr. House: Well, at least they’re trying. They’re not just sitting there like roadkill. Give me something. Give me something, or I’ll get your ex-smarter half on the phone and ask her.

Dr. House: I can’t remember if I’ve mocked you yet for being a male nurse.
Nurse: I think this counts.
Dr. House: Fair enough.

Patient: What do you think I have?
Dr. House: I’m not sure, but I think… A lame job.
Patient: What?
Dr. House: You’re a rat. Insurance company sends you out to check on the quality of medical care.
Patient: That’s ridiculous.
Dr. House: Is it really? ‘Cause you seem a lot more interested in asking questions than answering them. Handwriting on your medical records obviously not a doctor’s ‘cause I can almost read it. And when you went out for a urine sample, I looked in your purse. Found the list of questions you were supposed memorize before you came to the clinic. I was looking for gum.
Patient: You’re an ass.
Dr. House: Put it in your report. I tell you what: I’ll give you 20 bucks if you’ll pretend that I’m not when we leave is room.
Dr. House: [leaving the room with her] Remember, first ice, then heat. If you he any problems, don’t hesitate to call me.
Patient: Thank you, Dr. House!

Dr. House: Key under the mat.
Lucas: There’s no key under the mat.
Dr. House: Oh, right. You need to replace one of your kitchen windows. I helped myself to your wine cellar. I’ll leave a buck on the way out. You’re not right for her.
Lucas: And you are?
Dr. House: Less wrong.
Lucas: Ah.
Dr. House: Then I started thinking… [pauses] What was I saying?
Lucas: You were saying it’s late and…
Dr. House: She invited me. She didn’t know if she should. She was trying to figure out if I really have changed or if I’m just the same old S.O.B. I’ve always been. But she always gave me a chance. 832 chances. And I used up every one of them. 832 is her limit, make a note.
Lucas: How ‘bout a cup of coffee?
Dr. House: I’m pathetic. I don’t deserve her [falls on the couch]
Lucas: Okay okay, all right. Maybe you should crash here. It’s a sofa bed.
Dr. House: I love her.